I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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