Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
