I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
