Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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