1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
