just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
