I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
