turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
