Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
