I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
