you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
