Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
