I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
