You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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