i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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