If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
