So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
