well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
