I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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