Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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