Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
