My first STD was from a foam party
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
