dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
