Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
