I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
