I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
