dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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