woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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