Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
