Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
