Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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