I accidentally burped into my bong.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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