do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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