I'm so fucking centered right now
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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