i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
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i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
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I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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