sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
