There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
