Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
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If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
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PS: I just woke up from my shower
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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