Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
