Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
