Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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