what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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