EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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