He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
