pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
