If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
