hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
