I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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