a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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