my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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