I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
