I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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