Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
