Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
