Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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