Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
