He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
