Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
