Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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