I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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