I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
