I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You're like the curious george of whores
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
